Top 5: Live Show Audience Archetypes

We all know them. These are the people you encounter at every show. They annoy the hell out of you, but it wouldn’t be the same if they weren’t there. Caveat: these are not mutually exclusive!

1. The Fan-atic. Dressed in full regalia, whether it be cool (goth gear for a Manson show) or totally uncool (authentic concert T from first show ever played + pin + bandanna, and maybe a tattoo of the band’s name). Camps out to ensure he/she’s the first to get in. Will do anything to be in front. Anything. They’ll pee in a cup instead of giving up their position. Gives snide looks to people who are too close that don’t seem like they are big enough fans to be there. Will dislocate an arm to get a pick or a drumstick, or touch a band member’s hand. Will not hesitate to use force to procure any of above mentioned items, no matter how small and petite looking they are. Knows more about the band than the band does. Can be overheard discussing multiple past shows and obscure albums.

2. The Maddened Mosher. The music is the background, the premise. They are not here to see. They are here to feel. Testosterone, drugs, and/or stupidity fuel them, as they get in the middle to get out what’s bottled up inside. A danger to themselves and those around them. Identified by casual clothing, borderline athletic wear, look in their eye. Often obtains position after show has started, once a ‘heavy’ song comes on, by a sudden forceful push to the front. Will mow down everything in their paths, as they travel in packs and have an unpredictable rhythm. There’s a fine line between the the bliss of the pit and a full on fight.

3. The Accidental Attendee. A friend had an extra ticket. A date invited them. A promoter gave them a free ticket to fill up the room. They heard there hot chicks/dudes were going to be there. Will make and take ohone calls during the set. Can be caught saying, “who is this again?”, “can you believe what he/she said/did the other day”, “hey baby what’s your name”, or, most preferably, “these guys are pretty cool, will you burn me a copy of this album?”.

4. The Nouveau Groupie. Are they going to a concert or the club? No one can tell. Heels in the dirt, halter tops in the cold, as long as it bares all it’s fair game. Constantly check themselves out in any reflective surface. Makes multiple trips to the bathroom, taking their time. Position themselves at the point where the security guards and the band can equally view the spectacle. Every song, no matter the tempo, is turned into a slow striptease, complete with a virtual pole. Flashing boobs has given way to flipping the band off in a not-so-subtle sign saying, “this is what I will wait outside the door for to try to do to you later”, or, in some instances, and depending on the venue, they may show off their other hairstyle. If you know what I mean. Usually restricted to females, but, not always.

5. The OD Offender. In anticipation of partying at the show, they indulge in too much of something. Vomit may occur before, during, or after the set. Stumbling will occur throughout. No awareness of their personal space or yours. Talks too loud during quiet songs and sings the wrong words. Heckles the band. Often occurs in groups. Drunk dancing in their most widespread offense, making them not only a danger for obstruction of view and inappropriate bumping, but also for vomit splatter. Prefer to move around the venue via being held up by friends or carried out by bouncers. Guaranteed to say the show was awesome the next day, no matter what.

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