the MTV VMAs, or the (M)ost (T)errible (V)ile (V)ulgar (M)onstrosity that I'm (A)shamed I watched (S)how

It took all of 5 seconds for me to determine that this was going to be catastrophic. As if it were the last gasp of a dying being, MTV tricked a few of my generation’s stragglers still trying to grasp on to the MTV we once knew, but we were left with a DOA. MTV was pronounced dead at 9:01pm, Pacific.

Britney. This ‘performance’, whatever back story it may contain, exemplifies exactly why MTV sucks. Quality control. Despite whatever hurt feelings occurred, no amount of vim and vigor could have made that outfit, lip synching, or dancing any better.

The VMAs were reduced to a dizzying array of dying careers, with a few injections of music talent who seemed as though they were being polite by still giving their attention to the matter. I am still suffering from motion sickness from the nomination reels. If that was their way to squeeze the show into 2 hours, it wasn’t the area they should have scrimped on. They used to have great nomination reels.

Size was pretty much the theme of the night. The entire show felt like it was stuffed in a small box. The theater was small: Beyonce couldn’t get around to get to the stage for all of the stuffed in tables. The ‘intimate performance rooms’ looked like a wretched mess- I like to go to shows like that, but it was awkwardly presented on TV. The stages were small, the lengths of the segments were small, small….small….SMALL. Yet the performers…..Britney was baby weight big, Beyonce was looking more bootylicious then usual with her boobs practically popping out, and what about Dre? He and T-Rez must work out together cuz he was frickin’ jacked.

The only real instance of intelligent planning by MTV was the appearance of Miss South Carolina. Leave it to the most un-music moment to be the only thing that MTV gets right.

So, here you go, MTV. Here’s the death certificate signed by Kanye and JT. Enjoy the afterlife full of The Hills and Tila Tequila mediocrity.

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